We know that money can be a tricky topic to discuss with your spouse. In fact, money is the No. 1 issue that couples fight about.
It can be difficult to navigate this topic when often both people have come from different economic backgrounds and have different beliefs about money and spending.
Have you ever found yourself on a different page from your spouse when it comes to money?
Our Story
I’ve always had an interest in money. I read personal finance books for fun. I have always been intrigued by how to improve in this area, how to save more and figure out the best vehicles for investment. I have poured over books, blogs, articles and listened to countless podcasts over the last decade.
So, naturally, when I came across the FIRE community, I was SO excited. I finally found a community of people who were like-minded, who wanted to do something different than what was typical and they were providing a blueprint for how to get there.
Of course, I eagerly told my husband about it and how we should save half of our income and lower our expenses. I came in a little HOT.
“Let’s save 50% of our income and house hack”
“We should cut our spending down aggressively so we can retire in 10 years”
“If we don’t have a car at all, we could save so much more money. “
It was a little abrupt.
Would you be excited about doing those things immediately after your spouse eagerly blurts out everything they have learned over the last few weeks?
Or would you get a bit defensive, reluctant to make changes that don’t sound fun? Instead they sound like you will be downgrading your life and cutting back on the things you love.
I have found that it has been a much more gradual process to get on the same page. Over time we have become aligned on how we want to spend, invest and achieve this goal of financial independence together. But it didn’t happen overnight!
I am going to share some things that I learned and the ways that I think you can do better with your spouse.
Take it Slow
It can be hard to practice patience, but realize that these will be conversations you will be having over the long haul. You don’t need to talk the other person’s ear off for three hours one evening about all of the changes that need to happen. Also, under no circumstances should you attempt these conversations when the other person is hangry.
I’m speaking from experience. 🙂
Instead, consider sharing things in tidbits. Share some interesting things you have learned, maybe a story about a couple who achieved FI in a podcast you listened to, or a cool financial calculator.
Doing this over time will help bring the other person’s guard down.
Cast the Vision
This part can be really fun. Instead of talking about all of the ways to cut back on expenses and the steps that would need to happen to make this a reality, start by focusing on the end vision instead.
I mean really explore and talk through what a life together could be like if you were able to be work optional at a much younger age.
“Where would you like to travel to if you could spend a few months of the year exploring new places?”
“If you took away the pressure of having to make money, what would your ideal day look like?”
“How would it feel if you were able to leave your job and only take projects on that you were really interested in?”
This was actually a little hard for me. I am such a practical person. I tend to keep my head down, work hard and get so used to tackling a massive to-do list, that it can be difficult to take a step back and talk about dreams and desires.
But it is such an important part of this. The more you explore and open up your mind and your partnership to having these types of conversations, the easier it becomes.
I also believe that when you start talking about things and sharing, your mind gets to work on figuring out how to problem solve and find creative ways to achieve something.
Start Small
I think we as human beings have the tendency to bite off more than we can chew. We get really excited about something and dive in headfirst, only to find that we are overwhelmed and quit altogether.
When it comes to making changes with your finances. I’d suggest starting with a small change.
It probably isn’t realistic to go from not saving anything, to saving 50% of your income. But it might be more feasible to go from not saving anything, to finding a way to save 10% of your income.
Starting small, especially when one partner isn’t completely sure about a change, will be easier to stick with. It’s a much better route than trying to go from zero to 100 and risk creating resistance to implementing any change.
Evaluate Your Spending
One thing that I heard someone say that has always stuck with me was “spend lavishly on the categories that are important to you and bring you joy, but ruthlessly cut back on the areas that do not,” or something along those lines.
How often do we spend money on things out of habit, but realize that we don’t actually get any joy or fulfillment out of it?
Take a close look at your expenditures and have a conversation about whether there are things that are on there, that you don’t care about, that could potentially be reduced or eliminated altogether.
For us, we really love our food. We enjoy cooking, we like to eat out, we enjoy meeting friends for dinner, lunch etc. So it was never going to work for us to give ourselves a penny pinching grocery budget and telling ourselves we would never eat out.
Good food brings us so a lot happiness, so this has been a priority. But we did realize that we get a lot of joy out of going to places that are more casual. So going to a really expensive restaurant is nice for special occasions, but we get just as much pleasure out of the neighborhood spot, like Small Cheval (IYKYK).
In Conclusion
It’s very normal to not always be on the same page when it comes to finances. When you approach these conversations, try not to “tell” your spouse what they need to be doing. Instead, it can be more fruitful to “talk” about it and listen.
Help them explore what is important to them and find a way to get them excited about what the future could look like. Remember that it won’t happen in a day and that you will be having these conversations in small doses for a long time. And try to evaluate what you both truly enjoy spending on vs. what doesn’t bring you any fulfillment.
This journey is a heck of a lot more fun when you are both on the same page and in this thing together. I’d love to hear from you on what has worked for you to get on the same page with your spouse!
